


Death is just so full and man so small

by maggief



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Death, Gen, Grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-24
Updated: 2012-05-24
Packaged: 2017-11-05 23:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/412128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maggief/pseuds/maggief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Only a very short one, but thought I would post it anyway. Arthur speaks to Uther when his body lies in state (at the end of episode 4.03). From <a href="http://kinkme-merlin.livejournal.com/31491.html?thread=31243011#t31243011">this kmm prompt</a>. Title taken from Mumford and Sons, <i>After the Storm</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death is just so full and man so small

“Father—“

His voice breaks on the first syllable and Arthur isn’t sure he can continue. It’s so strange seeing his father like this. Uther had always been so proud, so dignified; he never would have allowed anyone to see him so defenceless. Even though he’s now dead, Arthur is glad that he’s the only one allowed here this night.

He knows that Merlin is waiting faithfully outside, but he also knows that Merlin won’t be trying to listen in right now, as other members of the castle might be tempted to do. Whatever he says now will forever remain between him and his king.

Although, he supposes, he is king now. It’s strange, how this weight feels now it’s settled on his shoulders. Uther has always been king; that is Arthur’s definition of “king”. Now that label applies to him, and he finds that he doesn’t really know what it means. He starts speaking again, voice quiet in the large, echoing chamber.

“I wanted to kill you that day, do you remember? When they told me that you were responsible for my mother’s death, that you were the reason I never knew what a mother was. And I was ready, sword in hand. Merlin stopped me, told me it was all lies; we can’t trust magic users, can we father? I wasn’t sure though, and I was still so angry. So yes, I wanted to kill you, but I never wished you dead.”

He takes a deep breath, looks outside the windows into the dark of the night, trying to collect his thoughts. This is the last chance he’ll ever get to talk to his father, already it feels too late. He wonders if it will give him any kind of closure.

“I think you drove Morgana away.” It’s a thought that he’s never even whispered to himself, but it’s what he believes. “You locked her in the dungeons like she was an errant servant, when she was your own flesh and blood. She hates me, father, when I only ever loved her.”

He feels choked with emotion, and he can’t look at his father any more. He wants to be angry, but he doesn’t have the energy, doesn’t have enough emotion left. He slides down against the cloth covered plinth his father is laid atop, head hanging between bent knees. He doesn’t feel like a king right now, he feels like a scared little boy who’s just lost the only parent he’s ever known.

He’s silent for over an hour, the only sounds his own breath, and his heartbeat soft and steady. There is no noise from Uther.

“I don’t know how to be a king. At least, not the one you’d want me to be. We’re not the same, father, we never have been.” His voice is barely more than a whisper, but it doesn’t matter. He lets Uther digest this news; it’s a relief for Arthur to finally admit it. He’ll never be a king like Uther, but he doesn’t want to be.

“Merlin tells me I’m going to be a good king, the greatest. The first time he said that I thought he was an idiot. Well, he still is an idiot, but I think that maybe he was right.”

He’s quiet then for the rest of the night, but it feels peaceful not morbid. He stands as the sun starts to creep over the horizon, shaking the lethargy out from his limbs. He turns to face his father one last time.

“It’s my kingdom now father.”

He lays a gentle kiss upon Uther’s brow. He feels cold like stone, and Arthur knows his father isn’t here anymore.He walks away from Uther, and he doesn’t look back. A king doesn’t have time to dwell on the past. He finds Merlin waiting for him outside – he hasn’t moved all night, and Arthur doesn’t think he’s ever appreciated his loyalty more than he does at this moment. It’s good to interact with the living again.

“Merlin, it’s a new day.”

And he finds that it is, after all.


End file.
